Soul

I’ve been digging through some old poetry I wrote way back in the day and came up upon a post that was written right before I left home for college for the first time. It was written on August 8, 2002. Woah.

Fuck it. I don’t need to worry that much. Life sucks and I keep that outlook with me at all times. I just expect the worst to happen from everything. That way if the worst does happen, then I’m prepared for it. And if something good happens, I get a treat. Joy.

I’m ready to leave. I’m ready to get out of this freaking place of fucking hell.

Walls close in
ground falls away
sinking sand
falling

Roof collapses
night obscures all
no moon, no stars
dark as hell

sliding into the pit
gasping for breath
not enough air
not enough room

solid ground now–
but things keep falling
covering me
like dirt in a grave

and realizing
horror upon horror
my grave
my death

town killed me
mom killed me
life killed me
fear killed me

trapped in the dark
a small dark hole
only consolation
I didn’t kill me

earth is hell
while I live–
hell is here
burning slowly

lungs burning,
I claw at the dirt
it’s all around me
filling me

filling my mouth,
ears and lungs
gasping I pull away
finding nowhere to go

and finally,
when all is lost
the darkness covers
completely

and suddenly I see
it got to me,
but I didn’t give up
here I am

I lost,
but didn’t quit
life lost
but soul won.

Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best of places at the conclusion of high school.

Damn.