It’s Hot

I just walked to the grocery store. At 10 pm at night.

I went because I had been living off of poptarts and powerbars for the past 3 days.

I think it was a mistake to go.

I had forgotten how much I despise exercise. I thought that maybe it was a thing of the past, you know? Maybe my endorphins have the opposite effect on me. Hell, everything else does. Seriously. Hydrocodone makes me hyper. Pot makes me hyper. Non-drowsy Sudafed makes me sleepy. Sugar makes me sleepy.

So maybe for me, endorphins are a downer.

Whatever the reason is, the result is the same. I exercise and then about 45 minutes to an hour later, I become hugely depressed. Like, I want to shove a knife blade into my jugular kind of depressed. Like as in, I want to self-injure for a little while kind of depressed. You know, just for the hell of it.

Like suddenly life has no meaning and everything feels like shit, and I can’t remember why I’m still upright. I feel like I just don’t give a shit.

WTF?

The last time I had a doc (I’m a grad student in a state far from “home,” remember?), I told him all of this. That’s when he answered with these famous words: “I think that’s a little beyond family practice. Maybe you need to talk to a psychiatrist.”

That was about 3 years ago.

I’m on anti-depressants now. They work. Trust me. About 2 months ago, while low on cash, I started running out of my pills. So I started lowering my dose in order to make ‘em stretch. Whatever, right? Yeah well, I’m walkin’ across this parking lot just after the end of church, and suddenly this thought pops into my head. “I should kill myself.”

Now, tell me that isn’t effed up. I wasn’t depressed or upset before or anything. Just, out of the blue.

I recognized the impulse was whack and managed to stay on at a higher level than usual until the feeling wore off.

This time, it’s gonna have to be the same thing. That, and I might eat, even though it’s kinda late (after 11 pm).

If that doesn’t work, I’ll just watch a Star Trek movie.

BTW, I found another post by someone experiencing the same thing. I might add that I find the comments by other people who said things like, “Well that’s odd because I feel wonderful after exercise!” really effing annoying.

Here’s another one called “Can Exercise Piss You Off?“